Eclipse - Chapter 27

Needs

I DIDN'T GET VERY FAR BEFORE DRIVING BECAME IMPOS sible.

When I couldn't see anymore, I let my tires find the rough shoulder and rolled slowly to a
stop. I slumped over on the seat and allowed the weakness I'd fought in Jacob's room crush
me. It was worse that I'd thought - the force of it took me by surprise. Yes, I had been right
to hide this from Jacob. No one should ever see this.

But I wasn't alone for very long - just exactly long enough for Alice to see me here, and then
the few minutes it took him to arrive. The door creaked open, and he pulled me into his arms.
At first it was worse. Because there was that smaller part of me - smaller, but getting louder
and angrier every minute, screaming at the rest of me - that craved a different set of arms. So
then there was fresh guilt to season the pain.

He didn't say anything, he just let me sob until I began to blubber out Charlie's name.
"Are you really ready to go home?" he asked doubtfully.

I managed to convey, after several attempts, that it wasn't going to get any better anytime
soon. I needed to get past Charlie before it got late enough for him to call Billy.
So he drove me home - for once not even getting close to my truck's internal speed limit -
keeping one arm wrapped tightly around me. The whole way, I fought for control. It seemed
to be a doomed effort at first, but I didn't give up. Just a few seconds, I told myself. Just time
for a few excuses, or a few lies, and then I could break down again. I had to be able to do
that much. I scrambled around in my head, searching desperately for a reserve of strength.

There was just enough for me to quiet the sobs - hold them back but not end them. The tears
didn't slow. I couldn't seem to find any handle to even begin to work with those.

"Wait for me upstairs," I mumbled when we were in front of the house.
He hugged me closer for one minute, and then he was gone.

Once inside, I headed straight for the stairs.

"Bella?" Charlie called after me from his usual place on the sofa as I walked by.
I turned to look at him without speaking. His eyes bugged wide, and he lurched to his feet.

"What happened? Is Jacob . . . ?" he demanded.

I shook my head furiously, trying to find my voice. "He's fine, he's fine," I promised, my voice
low and husky. And Jacobwas fine, physically, which is all Charlie was worried about at the
moment.
"But what happened?" He grabbed my shoulders, his eyes still anxious and wide. "What
happened to you?"
I must look worse than I'd imagined.
"Nothing, Dad. I . . . just had to talk to Jacob about . . . some things that were hard. I'm
fine."
The anxiety calmed, and was replaced by disapproval.
"Was this really the best time?" he asked.
"Probably not, Dad, but I didn't have any alternatives - it just got to the point where I had to
choose. . . . Sometimes, there isn't any way to compromise."
He shook his head slowly. "How did he handle it?"
I didn't answer.
He looked at my face for a minute, and then nodded. That must have been answer enough.
"I hope you didn't mess up his recovery."
"He's a quick healer," I mumbled.
Charlie sighed.
I could feel the control slipping.
"I'll be in my room," I told him, shrugging out from underneath his hands.
"'Kay," Charlie agreed. He could probably see the waterworks starting to escalate. Nothing
scared Charlie worse than tears.
I made my way to my room, blind and stumbling.
Once inside, I fought with the clasp on my bracelet, trying to undo it with shaking fingers.
"No, Bella," Edward whispered, capturing my hands. "It's part of who you are."
He pulled me into the cradle of his arms as the sobs broke free again.
This longest of days seemed to stretch on and on and on. I wondered if it would ever end.
But, though the night dragged relentlessly, it was not the worst night of my life. I took
comfort from that. And I was not alone. There was a great deal of comfort in that, too.
Charlie's fear of emotional outbursts kept him from checking on me, though I was not quiet -
he probably got no more sleep than I did.
My hindsight seemed unbearably clear tonight. I could see every mistake I'd made, every bit
of harm I'd done, the small things and the big things. Each pain I'd caused Jacob, each
wound I'd given Edward, stacked up into neat piles that I could not ignore or deny.
And I realized that I'd been wrong all along about the magnets. It had not been Edward and
Jacob that I'd been trying to force together, it was the two parts of myself, Edward's Bella
and Jacob's Bella. But they could not exist together, and I never should have tried.
I'd done so much damage.
At some point in the night, I remembered the promise I'd made to myself early this morning -
that I would never make Edward see me shed another tear for Jacob Black. The thought
brought on a round of hysteria which frightened Edward more than the weeping. But it
passed, too, when it had run its course.
Edward said little; he just held me on the bed and let me ruin his shirt, staining it with salt
water.
It took longer than I thought it would for that smaller, broken part of me to cry herself out. It
happened, though, and I was eventually exhausted enough to sleep. Unconsciousness did not
bring full relief from the pain, just a numbing, dulling ease, like medicine. Made it more
bearable. But it was still there; I was aware of it, even asleep, and that helped me to make
the adjustments I needed to make.
The morning brought with it, if not a brighter outlook, as least a measure of control, some
acceptance. Instinctively, I knew that the new tear in my heart would always ache. That was
just going to be a part of me now. Time would make it easier - that's what everyone always
said. But I didn't care if time healed me or not, so long as Jacob could get better. Could be
happy again.
When I woke up, there was no disorientation. I opened my eyes - finally dry - and met his
anxious gaze.
"Hey," I said. My voice was hoarse. I cleared my throat.
He didn't answer. He watched me, waiting for it to start.
"No, I'm fine," I promised. "That won't happen again."
His eyes tightened at my words.
"I'm sorry that you had to see that," I said. "That wasn't fair to you."
He put his hands on either side of my face.
"Bella . . . are yousure ? Did you make the right choice? I've never seen you in so much pain
-" His voice broke on the last word.
But I had known worse pain.
I touched his lips. "Yes."
"I don't know. . . ." His brow creased. "If it hurts you so much, how can it possibly be the
right thing for you?"
"Edward, I know who I can't live without."
"But . . ."
I shook my head. "You don't understand. You may be brave enough or strong enough to live
without me, if that's what's best. But I could never be that self-sacrificing. I have to be with
you. It's the only way I can live."
He still looked dubious. I should never have let him stay with me last night. But I had needed
him so much. . . .
"Hand me that book, will you?" I asked, pointing over his shoulder.
His eyebrows pulled together in confusion, but he gave it to me quickly.
"This again?" he asked.
"I just wanted to find this one part I remembered . . . to see how she said it. . . ." I flipped
through the book, finding the page I wanted easily. The corner was dog-eared from the many
times I'd stopped here. "Cathy's a monster, but there were a few things she got right," I
muttered. I read the lines quietly, mostly to myself. "'If all else perished, and he remained, I
should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe
would turn to a mighty stranger.'" I nodded, again to myself. "I know exactly what she
means. And I know who I can't live without."
Edward took the book from my hands and flipped it across the room - it landed with a
lightthud on my desk. He wrapped his arms around my waist.
A small smile lit his perfect face, though worry still lined his forehead. "Heathcliff had his
moments, too," he said. He didn't need the book to get it word perfect. He pulled me closer
and whispered in my ear, "'Icannot live without my life! Icannot live without my soul!'"
"Yes," I said quietly. "That's my point."
"Bella, I can't stand for you to be miserable. Maybe . . ."
"No, Edward. I've made a real mess of things, and I'm going to have to live with that. But I
know what I want and what I need . . . and what I'm going to do now."
"What arewe going to do now?"
I smiled just a bit at his correction, and then I sighed. "We are going to go see Alice."
Alice was on the bottom porch step, too hyper to wait for us inside. She looked about to
break into a celebration dance, so excited was she about the news she knew I was there to
deliver.
"Thank you, Bella!" she sang as we got out of the truck.
"Hold it, Alice," I warned her, lifting a hand up to halt her glee. "I've got a few limitations for
you."
"I know, I know, I know. I only have until August thirteenth at the latest, you have veto
power on the guest list, and if I go overboard on anything, you'll never speak to me again."
"Oh, okay. Well, yeah. You know the rules, then."
"Don't worry, Bella, it will be perfect. Do you want to see your dress?"
I had to take a few deep breaths.Whatever makes her happy, I said to myself.
"Sure."
Alice's smile was smug.
"Um, Alice," I said, keeping the casual, unruffled tone in my voice. "When did you get me a
dress?"
It probably wasn't much of a show. Edward squeezed my hand.
Alice led the way inside, heading for the stairs. "These things take time, Bella," Alice
explained. Her tone seemed . . . evasive. "I mean, I wasn'tsure things were going to turn out
this way, but there was a distinct possibility. . . ."
"When?" I asked again.
"Perrine Bruyere has a waiting list, you know," she said, defensive now. "Fabric masterpieces
don't happen overnight. If I hadn't thought ahead, you'd be wearing something off the rack!"
It didn't look like I was going to get a straight answer. "Per - who?"
"He's not a major designer, Bella, so there's no need to throw a hissy fit. He's got promise,
though, and he specializes in what I needed."
"I'm not throwing a fit."
"No, you're not." She eyed my calm face suspiciously. Then, as we walked into her room, she
turned on Edward.
"You - out."
"Why?" I demanded.
"Bella," she groaned. "You know the rules. He's not supposed to see the dress till the day of."
I took another deep breath. "It doesn't matter to me. And you know he's already seen it in
your head. But if that's how you want it. . . ."
She shoved Edward back out the door. He didn't even look at her - his eyes were on me,
wary, afraid to leave me alone.
I nodded, hoping my expression was tranquil enough to reassure him.
Alice shut the door in his face.
"All right!" she muttered. "C'mon."
She grabbed my wrist and towed me to her closet - which was bigger than my bedroom - and
then dragged me to the back corner, where a long white garment bag had a rack all to itself.
She unzipped the bag in one sweeping movement, and then slipped it carefully off the
hanger. She took a step back, holding her hand out to the dress like she was a game show
hostess.
"Well?" she asked breathlessly.
I appraised it for a long moment, playing with her a bit. Her expression turned worried.
"Ah," I said, and I smiled, letting her relax. "I see."
"What do you think?" she demanded.
It was myAnne of Green Gables vision all over again.
"It's perfect, of course. Exactly right. You're a genius."
She grinned. "I know."
"Nineteen-eighteen?" I guessed.
"More or less," she said, nodding. "Some of it ismy design, the train, the veil. . . ." She
touched the white satin as she spoke. "The lace is vintage. Do you like it?"
"It's beautiful. It's just right for him."
"But is it just right for you?" she insisted.
"Yes, I think it is, Alice. I think it's just what I need. I know you'll do a great job with this . .
. if you can keep yourself in check."
She beamed.
"Can I see your dress?" I asked.
She blinked, her face blank.
"Didn't you order your bridesmaid dress at the same time? I wouldn't want my maid of honor
to wear something off therack. " I pretended to wince in horror.
She threw her arms around my waist. "Thank you, Bella!"
"How could you not see that one coming?" I teased, kissing her spiky hair. "Some psychic
you are!"
Alice danced back, and her face was bright with fresh enthusiasm. "I've got so much to do!
Go play with Edward. I have to get to work."
She dashed out of the room, yelling, "Esme!" as she disappeared.
I followed at my own pace. Edward was waiting for me in the hallway, leaning against the
wood-paneled wall.
"That was very, very nice of you," he told me.
"She seems happy," I agreed.
He touched my face; his eyes - too dark, it had been so long since he'd left me - searched my
expression minutely.
"Let's get out of here," he suddenly suggested. "Let's go to our meadow."
It sounded very appealing. "I guess I don't have to hide out anymore, do I?"
"No. The danger is behind us."
He was quiet, thoughtful, as he ran. The wind blew on my face, warmer now that the storm
had really passed. The clouds covered the sky, the way they usually did.
The meadow was a peaceful, happy place today. Patches of summer daisies interrupted the
grass with splashes of white and yellow. I lay back, ignoring the slight dampness of the
ground, and looked for pictures in the clouds. They were too even, too smooth. No pictures,
just a soft, gray blanket.
Edward lay next to me and held my hand.
"August thirteenth?" he asked casually after a few minutes of comfortable silence.
"That gives me a month till my birthday. I didn't want to cut it too close."
He sighed. "Esme is three years older than Carlisle - technically. Did you know that?"
I shook my head.
"It hasn't made any difference to them."
My voice was serene, a counterpoint to his anxiety. "My age is not really that important.
Edward, I'm ready. I've chosen my life - now I want to start living it."
He stroked my hair. "The guest list veto?"
"I don't care really, but I . . ." I hesitated, not wanting to explain this one. Best to get it over
with. "I'm not sure if Alice would feel the need to invite . . . a few werewolves. I don't know
if . . . Jake would feel like . . . like heshould come. Like that's the right thing to do, or that I'd
get my feelings hurt if he didn't. He shouldn't have to go through that."
Edward was quiet for a minute. I stared at the tips of the treetops, almost black against the
light gray of the sky.
Suddenly, Edward grabbed me around the waist and pulled me onto his chest.
"Tell me why you're doing this, Bella. Why did you decide, now, to give Alice free reign?"
I repeated for him the conversation I had with Charlie last night before I'd gone to see Jacob.
"It wouldn't be fair to keep Charlie out of this," I concluded. "And that means Renée and
Phil. I might as well let Alice have her fun, too. Maybe it will make the whole thing easier for
Charlie if he gets his proper goodbye. Even if he thinks it's much too early, I wouldn't want
to cheat him out of the chance to walk me down the aisle." I grimaced at the words, then
took another deep breath. "At least my mom and dad and my friends will know the best part
of my choice, the most I'm allowed to tell them. They'll know I chose you, and they'll know
we're together. They'll know I'm happy, wherever I am. I think that's the best I can do for
them."
Edward held my face, searching it for a brief time.
"Deal's off," he said abruptly.
"What?" I gasped. "You're backing out? No!"
"I'm not backing out, Bella. I'll still keep my side of the bargain. But you're off the hook.
Whatever you want, no strings attached."
"Why?"
"Bella, I see what you're doing. You're trying to make everyone else happy. And I don't care
about anyone else's feelings. I only needyou to be happy. Don't worry about breaking the
news to Alice. I'll take care of it. I promise she won't make you feel guilty."
"But I -"
"No. We're doing this your way. Because my way doesn't work. I call you stubborn, but look
at whatI've done. I've clung with such idiotic obstinacy to my idea of what's best for you,
though it's only hurt you. Hurt you so deeply, time and time again. I don't trust myself
anymore. You can have happiness your way. My way is always wrong. So." He shifted under
me, squaring his shoulders. "We're doing ityour way, Bella. Tonight. Today. The sooner the
better. I'll speak to Carlisle. I was thinking that maybe if we gave you enough morphine, it
wouldn't be so bad. It's worth a try." He gritted his teeth.
"Edward, no -"
He put his finger to my lips. "Don't worry, Bella, love. I haven't forgotten the rest of your
demands."
His hands were in my hair, his lips moving softly - but very seriously - against mine, before I
realized what he was saying. What he was doing.
There wasn't much time to act. If I waited too long, I wouldn't be able to remember why I
needed to stop him. Already, I couldn't breathe right. My hands were gripping his arms,
pulling myself tighter to him, my mouth glued to his and answering every unspoken question
his asked.
I tried to clear my head, to find a way to speak.
He rolled gently, pressing me into the cool grass.
Oh, never mind!my less noble side exulted. My head was full of the sweetness of his breath.
No, no, no,I argued with myself. I shook my head, and his mouth moved to my neck, giving
me a chance to breathe.
"Stop, Edward. Wait." My voice was as weak as my will.
"Why?" he whispered into the hollow of my throat.
I labored to put some resolve into my tone. "I don't want to do this now."
"Don't you?" he asked, a smile in his voice. He moved his lips back to mine and made
speaking impossible. Heat coursed through my veins, burning where my skin touched his.
I made myself focus. It took a great deal of effort just to force my hands to free themselves
from his hair, to move them to his chest. But I did it. And then I shoved against him, trying
to push him away. I could not succeed alone, but he responded as I knew he would.
He pulled back a few inches to look at me, and his eyes did nothing to help my resolve. They
were black fire. They smoldered.
"Why?" he asked again, his voice low and rough. "I love you. I want you. Right now."
The butterflies in my stomach flooded my throat. He took advantage of my speechlessness.
"Wait, wait," I tried to say around his lips.
"Not for me," he murmured in disagreement.
"Please?" I gasped.
He groaned, and pushed himself away from me, rolling onto his back again.
We both lay there for a minute, trying to slow our breathing.
"Tell me why not, Bella," he demanded. "This had better not be about me."
Everything in my world was about him. What a silly thing to expect.
"Edward, this is very important to me. Iam going to do this right."
"Who's definition of right?"
"Mine."
He rolled onto his elbow and stared at me, his expression disapproving.
"Howare you going to do this right?"
I took a deep breath. "Responsibly. Everything in the right order. I will not leave Charlie and
Renée without the best resolution I can give them. I won't deny Alice her fun, if I'm having a
wedding anyway. And Iwill tie myself to you in every human way, before I ask you to make
me immortal. I'm following all the rules, Edward. Your soul is far, far too important to me to
take chances with. You're not going to budge me on this."
"I'll bet Icould, " he murmured, his eyes burning again.
"But you wouldn't," I said, trying to keep my voice level. "Not knowing that this is what I
really need."
"You don't fight fair," he accused.
I grinned at him. "Never said I did."
He smiled back, wistful. "If you change your mind . . ."
"You'll be the first to know," I promised.
The rain started to drip through the clouds just then, a few scattered drops that made
faintthuds as they struck the grass.
I glowered at the sky.
"I'll get you home." He brushed the tiny beads of water from my cheeks.
"Rain's not the problem," I grumbled. "It just means that it's time to go do something that
will be very unpleasant and possibly even highly dangerous."
His eyes widened in alarm.
"It's a good thing you're bulletproof." I sighed. "I'm going to need that ring. It's time to tell
Charlie."
He laughed at the expression on my face. "Highly dangerous," he agreed. He laughed again
and then reached into the pocket of his jeans. "But as least there's no need for a side trip."
He once again slid my ring into place on the third finger of my left hand.
Where it would stay - conceivably for the rest of eternity.
EPILOGUE - CHOICE
JACOBBLACK
"Jacob, do you think this is going to take too much longer?" Leah demanded. Impatient.
Whiney.
My teeth clenched together.
Like anyone in the pack, Leah knew everything. She knew why I came here - to the very
edge of the earth and sky and sea. To be alone. She knew that this was all I wanted. Just to
be alone.
But Leah was going to force her company on me, anyway.
Besides being crazy annoyed, I did feel smug for a brief second. Because I didn't even have
to think about controlling my temper. It was easy now, something I just did, natural. The red
haze didn't wash over my eyes. The heat didn't shiver down my spine. My voice was calm
when I answered.
"Jump off a cliff, Leah." I pointed to the one at my feet.
"Really, kid." She ignored me, throwing herself into a sprawl on the ground next to me. "You
have no idea how hard this is for me."
"Foryou ?" It took me a minute to believe she was serious. "You have to be the most
self-absorbed person alive, Leah. I'd hate to shatter the dream world you live in - the one
where the sun is orbiting the place where you stand - so I won't tell you how little I care
what your problem is.Go. Away. "
"Just look at this from my perspective for a minute, okay?" she continued as if I hadn't said
anything.
If she was trying to break my mood, it worked. I started laughing. The sound hurt in strange
ways.
"Stop snorting and pay attention," she snapped.
"If I pretend to listen, will you leave?" I asked, glancing over at the permanent scowl on her
face. I wasn't sure if she had any other expressions anymore.
I remembered back to when I used to think that Leah was pretty, maybe even beautiful. That
was a long time ago. No one thought of her that way now. Except for Sam. He was never
going to forgive himself. Like it was his fault that she'd turned into this bitter harpy.
Her scowl heated up, as if she could guess what I was thinking. Probably could.
"This is making me sick, Jacob. Can you imagine what this feels like tome ? I don't evenlike
Bella Swan. And you've got me grieving over this leech-lover like I'm in love with her, too.
Can you see where that might be a little confusing? I dreamed about kissing her last night!
What the hell am I supposed to do withthat ?"
"Do I care?"
"I can't stand being in your head anymore! Get over her already! She's going tomarry that
thing. He's going to try to change her into one of them! Time to move on, boy."
"Shutup, " I growled.
It would be wrong to strike back. I knew that. I was biting my tongue. But she'd be sorry if
she didn't walk away. Now.
"He'll probably just kill her anyway," Leah said. Sneering. "All the stories say that happens
more often than not. Maybe a funeral will be better closure than a wedding. Ha."
This time I had to work. I closed my eyes and fought the hot taste in my mouth. I pushed and
shoved against the slide of fire down my back, wrestling to keep my shape together while my
body tried to shake apart.
When I was in control again, I glowered at her. She was watching my hands as the tremors
slowed. Smiling.
Some joke.
"If you're upset about gender confusion, Leah . . . ," I said. Slow, emphasizing each word.
"How do you think the rest of us like looking at Sam through your eyes? It's bad enough that
Emily has to deal withyour fixation. She doesn't need us guys panting after him, too."
Pissed as I was, I still felt guilty when I watched the spasm of pain shoot across her face.
She scrambled to her feet - pausing only to spit in my direction - and ran for the trees,
vibrating like a tuning fork.
I laughed darkly. "You missed."
Sam was going to give me hell for that, but it was worth it. Leah wouldn't bug me anymore.
And I'd do it again if I had the chance.
Because her words were still there, scratching themselves into my brain, the pain of it so
strong that I could hardly breathe.
It didn't matter so much that Bella'd chosen someone else over me. That agony was nothing
at all. That agony I could live with for the rest of my stupid, too long, stretched-out life.
But it did matter that she was giving up everything - that she was letting her heart stop and
her skin ice over and her mind twist into some crystallized predator's head. A monster. A
stranger.
I would have thought there was nothing worse than that, nothing more painful in the whole
world.
But, if hekilled her . . .
Again, I had to fight the rage. Maybe, if not for Leah, it would be good to let the heat change
me into a creature who could deal with it better. A creature with instincts so much stronger
than human emotions. An animal who couldn't feel pain in the same way. A different pain.
Some variety, at least. But Leah was running now, and I didn't want to share her thoughts. I
cussed her under my breath for taking away that escape, too.
My hands were shaking in spite of me. What shook them? Anger? Agony? I wasn't sure what
I was fighting now.
I had to believe that Bella would survive. But that required trust - a trust I didn't want to
feel, a trust in that bloodsucker's ability to keep her alive.
She would be different, and I wondered how that would affect me. Would it be the same as
if she had died, to see her standing there like a stone? Like ice? When her scent burned in my
nostrils and triggered the instinct to rip, to tear . . . How would that be? Could I want to
killher ? Could I not want to kill one ofthem ?
I watched the swells roll toward the beach. They disappeared from sight under the edge of
the cliff, but I heard them beat against the sand. I watched them until it was late, long after
dark.
Going home was probably a bad idea. But I was hungry, and I couldn't think of another plan.
I made a face as I pulled my arm through the retarded sling and grabbed my crutches. If only
Charlie hadn't seen me that day and spread the word of my "motorcycle accident." Stupid
props. I hated them.
Going hungry started to look better when I walked in the house and got a look at my dad's
face. He had something on his mind. It was easy to tell - he always overdid it. Acted all
casual.
He also talked too much. He was rambling about his day before I could get to the table. He
never jabbered like this unless there was something that he didn't want to say. I ignored him
as best I could, concentrating on the food. The faster I choked it down . . .
". . . and Sue stopped by today." My dad's voice was loud. Hard to ignore. As always.
"Amazing woman. She's tougher than grizzlies, that one. I don't know how she deals with
that daughter of hers, though. Now Sue, she would have made one hell of a wolf. Leah's
more of a wolverine." He chuckled at his own joke.
He waited briefly for my response, but didn't seem to see my blank, bored-out-of-my-mind
expression. Most days that bugged him. I wished he would shut up about Leah. I was trying
not to think about her.
"Seth's a lot easier. Of course, you were easier than your sisters, too, until . . . well, you have
more to deal with than they did."
I sighed, long and deep, and stared out the window.
Billy was quiet for a second too long. "We got a letter today."
I could tell that this was the subject he'd been avoiding.
"A letter?"
"A . . . wedding invitation."
Every muscle in my body locked into place. A feather of heat seemed to brush down my
back. I held onto the table to keep my hands steady.
Billy went on like he hadn't noticed. "There's a note inside that's addressed to you. I didn't
read it."
He pulled a thick ivory envelope from where it was wedged between his leg and the side of
his wheelchair. He laid it on the table between us.
"You probably don't need to read it. Doesn't really matter what it says."
Stupid reverse psychology. I yanked the envelope off the table.
It was some heavy, stiff paper. Expensive. Too fancy for Forks. The card inside was the
same, too done-up and formal. Bella'd had nothing to do with this. There was no sign of her
personal taste in the layers of see-through, petal-printed pages. I'd bet she didn't like it at all.
I didn't read the words, not even to see the date. I didn't care.
There was a piece of the thick ivory paper folded in half with my name handwritten in black
ink on the back. I didn't recognize the handwriting, but it was as fancy as the rest of it. For
half a second, I wondered if the bloodsucker was into gloating.
I flipped it open.
Jacob,
I'm breaking the rules by sending you this. She was afraid of hurting you, and she didn't want
to make you feel obligated in any way. But I know that, if things had gone the other way, I
would have wanted the choice.
I promise I will take care of her, Jacob. Thank you - for her - for everything.
Edward
"Jake, we only have the one table," Billy said. He was staring at my left hand.
My fingers were clamped down on the wood hard enough that it really was in danger. I
loosened them one by one, concentrating on that action alone, and then clenched my hands
together so I couldn't break anything.
"Yeah, doesn't matter anyway," Billy muttered.
I got up from the table, shrugging out of my t-shirt as I stood. Hopefully Leah had gone
home by now.
"Not too late," Billy mumbled as I punched the front door out of my way.
I was running before I hit the trees, my clothes strewn out behind me like a trail of crumbs -
as if I wanted to find my way back. It was almost too easy now to phase. I didn't have to
think. My body already knew where I was going and, before I asked it to, it gave me what I
wanted.
I had four legs now, and I was flying.
The trees blurred into a sea of black flowing around me. My muscles bunched and released in
an effortless rhythm. I could run like this for days and I would not be tired. Maybe, this time,
I wouldn't stop.
But I wasn't alone.
So sorry,Embry whispered in my head.
I could see through his eyes. He was far away, to the north, but he had wheeled around and
was racing to join me. I growled and pushed myself faster.
Wait for us,Quil complained. He was closer, just starting out from the village.
Leave me alone,I snarled.
I could feel their worry in my head, try hard as I might to drown it in the sound of the wind
and the forest. This was what I hated most - seeing myself through their eyes, worse now
that their eyes were full of pity. They saw the hate, but they kept running after me.
A new voice sounded in my head.
Let him go.Sam's thought was soft, but still an order. Embry and Quil slowed to a walk.
If only I could stop hearing, stop seeing what they saw. My head was so crowded, but the
only way to be alone again was to be human, and I couldn't stand the pain.
Phase back,Sam directed them.I'll pick you up, Embry.
First one, then another awareness faded into silence. Only Sam was left.
Thank you,I managed to think.
Come home when you can.The words were faint, trailing off into blank emptiness as he left,
too. And I was alone.
So much better. Now I could hear the faint rustle of the matted leaves beneath my toenails,
the whisper of an owl's wings above me, the ocean - far, far in the west - moaning against
the beach. Hear this, and nothing more. Feel nothing but speed, nothing but the pull of
muscle, sinew, and bone, working together in harmony as the miles disappeared behind me.
If the silence in my head lasted, I would never go back. I wouldn't be the first one to choose
this form over the other. Maybe, if I ran far enough away, I would never have to hear again. .
. .
I pushed my legs faster, letting Jacob Black disappear behind me.

Categories: Eclipse

Eclipse - Chapter 25

Mirror

I FORCED MY EYES -FROZEN WIDE OPEN WITH SHOCK- to move, so that I could
not examine too closely the oval object wrapped in tendrils of shivering, fiery hair.
Edward was in motion again. Swift and coolly businesslike, he dismembered the headless
corpse.

I could not go to him - I could not make my feet respond; they were bolted to the stone
beneath them. But I scrutinized his every action minutely, looking for any evidence that he
had been harmed. My heart slowed to a healthier rhythm when I found nothing. He was lithe
and graceful as ever. I couldn't even see a tear in his clothes.

He did not look at me - where I stood frozen to the cliff wall, horrified - while he piled the
quivering, twitching limbs and then covered them with dry pine needles. He still did not
meet my shocked gaze as he darted into the forest after Seth.

I didn't have time to recover before both he and Seth were back, Edward with his arms full
of Riley. Seth was carrying a large chunk - the torso - in his mouth. They added their burden
to the pile, and Edward pulled a silver rectangle from his pocket. He flipped open the butane
lighter and held the flame to the dry tinder. It caught at once; long tongues of orange fire
licked rapidly across the pyre.

"Get every piece," Edward said in a low aside to Seth.

Together, the vampire and the werewolf scoured the campsite, occasionally tossing small
lumps of white stone into the blaze. Seth handled the pieces with his teeth. My brain wasn't
working well enough for me to understand why he didn't change back to a form with hands.
Edward kept his eyes on his work.

And then they were done, and the raging fire was sending a pillar of choking purple toward
the sky. The thick smoke curled up slowly, looking more solid than it should; it smelled like
burning incense, and the scent was uncomfortable. It was heavy, too strong.

Seth made that snickering sound again, deep in his chest.

A smile flickered across Edward's tense face.

Edward stretched out his arm, his hand curled into a fist. Seth grinned, revealing the long
row of dagger teeth, and bumped his nose against Edward's hand.
"Nice teamwork," Edward murmured.
Seth coughed a laugh.
Then Edward took a deep breath, and turned slowly to face me.
I did not understand his expression. His eyes were as wary as if I were another enemy - more
than wary, they were afraid. Yet he'd shown no fear at all when he'd faced Victoria and
Riley. . . . My mind was stuck, stunned and useless as my body. I stared at him, bewildered.
"Bella, love," he said in his softest tone, walking toward me with exaggerated slowness, his
hands held up, palms forward. Dazed as I was, it reminded me oddly of a suspect
approaching a policeman, showing that he wasn't armed. . . .
"Bella, can you drop the rock, please? Carefully. Don't hurt yourself."
I'd forgotten all about my crude weapon, though I realized now that I was grasping it so hard
that my knuckle was screaming in protest. Was it rebroken? Carlisle would put me in a cast
for sure this time.
Edward hesitated a few feet from me, his hands still in the air, his eyes still fearful.
It took me a few long seconds to remember how to move my fingers. Then the rock clattered
to the ground, while my hand stayed frozen in the same position.
Edward relaxed slightly when my hands were empty, but came no closer.
"You don't have to be afraid, Bella," Edward murmured. "You're safe. I won't hurt you."
The mystifying promise only confused me further. I stared at him like an imbecile, trying to
understand.
"It's going to be all right, Bella. I know you're frightened now, but it's over. No one is going
to hurt you. I won't touch you. I won't hurt you," he said again.
My eyes blinked furiously, and I found my voice. "Why do you keep saying that?"
I took an unsteady step toward him, and he leaned away from my advance.
"What's wrong?" I whispered. "What do you mean?"
"Are you . . ." His golden eyes were suddenly as confused as I felt. "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Afraid of you?Why? "
I staggered forward another step, and then tripped over something - my own feet probably.
Edward caught me, and I buried my face in his chest and started to sob.
"Bella, Bella, I'm so sorry. It's over, it's over."
"I'm fine," I gasped. "I'm okay. I'm just. Freaking out. Give me. A minute."
His arms tightened around me. "I'm so sorry," he murmured again and again.
I clung to him until I could breathe, and then I was kissing him - his chest, his shoulder, his
neck - every part of him that I could reach. Slowly, my brain started to work again.
"Are you okay?" I demanded between kisses. "Did she hurt you at all?"
"I am absolutely fine," he promised, burying his face in my hair.
"Seth?"
Edward chuckled. "More than fine. Very pleased with himself, in fact."
"The others? Alice, Esme? The wolves?
"All fine. It's over there, too. It went just as smoothly as I promised. We got the worst of it
here."
I let myself absorb that for a moment, let it sink in and settle in my head.
My family and my friends were safe. Victoria was never coming after me again. It was over.
We were all going to be fine.
But I couldn't completely take in the good news while I was still so confused.
"Tell me why," I insisted. "Why did you think I would be afraid of you?"
"I'm sorry," he said, apologizing yet again - for what? I had no idea. "So sorry. I didn't want
you to see that. Seeme like that. I know I must have terrified you."
I had to think about that for another minute, about the hesitant way he'd approached me, his
hands in the air. Like I was going to run if he moved too fast. . . .
"Seriously?" I finally asked. "You . . . what? Thought you'd scared me off?" I snorted.
Snorting was good; a voice couldn't tremble or break during a snort. It sounded impressively
offhand.
He put his hand under my chin and tilted my head back to read my face.
"Bella, I just" - he hesitated and then forced the words out - "I just beheaded and
dismembered a sentient creature not twenty yards from you. That doesn'tbother you?"
He frowned at me.
I shrugged. Shrugging was good, too. Very blasé. "Not really. I was only afraid that you and
Seth were going to get hurt. I wanted to help, but there's only so much I can do. . . ."
His suddenly livid expression made my voice fade out.
"Yes," he said, his tone clipped. "Your little stunt with the rock. You know that you nearly
gave me a heart attack? Not the easiest thing to do, that."
His furious glower made it hard to answer.
"I wanted to help . . . Seth was hurt. . . ."
"Seth was only feigning that he was hurt, Bella. It was a trick. And then you . . . !" He shook
his head, unable to finish. "Seth couldn't see what you were doing, so I had to step in. Seth's
a bit disgruntled that he can't claim a single-handed defeat now."
"Seth was . . . faking?"
Edward nodded sternly.
"Oh."
We both looked at Seth, who was studiously ignoring us, watching the flames. Smugness
radiated from every hair in his fur.
"Well, I didn't know that," I said, on the offense now. "And it's not easy being the only
helpless person around. Just you wait till I'm a vampire! I'm not going to be sitting on the
sidelines next time."
A dozen emotions flitted across his face before he settled on being amused. "Next time? Did
you anticipate another war soon?"
"With my luck? Who knows?"
He rolled his eyes, but I could see that he was flying - the relief was making us both
lightheaded. It was over.
Or . . . was it?
"Hold on. Didn't you say something before - ?" I flinched, remembering whatexactly it had
been before - what was I going to say to Jacob? My splintered heart throbbed out a painful,
aching beat. It was hard to believe, almost impossible, but the hardest part of this day wasnot
behind me - and then I soldiered on. "About a complication? And Alice, needing to nail down
the schedule for Sam. You said it was going to be close. What was going to be close?"
Edward's eyes flickered back to Seth, and they exchanged a loaded glance.
"Well?" I asked.
"It's nothing, really," Edward said quickly. "But we do need to be on our way. . . ."
He started to pull me into place on his back, but I stiffened and drew away.
"Define nothing."
Edward took my face between his palms. "We only have a minute, so don't panic, all right? I
told you that you had no reason to be afraid. Trust me on that, please?"
I nodded, trying to hide the sudden terror - how much more could I handle before I
collapsed? "No reason to be afraid. Got it."
He pursed his lips for a second, deciding what to say. And then he glanced abruptly at Seth,
as if the wolf had called him.
"What's she doing?" Edward asked.
Seth whined; it was an anxious, uneasy sound. It made the hair on the back of my neck rise.
Everything was dead silent for one endless second.
And then Edward gasped, "No!" and one of his hands flew out as if to grab something that I
couldn't see. "Don't -!"
A spasm rocked through Seth's body, and a howl, blistering with agony, ripped from his
lungs.
Edward fell to his knees at the exact same moment, gripping the sides of his head with two
hands, his face furrowed in pain.
I screamed once in bewildered terror, and dropped to my knees beside him. Stupidly, I tried
to pull his hands from his face; my palms, clammy with sweat, slid off his marble skin.
"Edward! Edward!"
His eyes focused on me; with obvious effort, he pulled his clenched teeth apart.
"It's okay. We're going to be fine. It's -" He broke off, and winced again.
"What's happening?" I cried out while Seth howled in anguish.
"We're fine. We're going to be okay," Edward gasped. "Sam - help him -"
And I realized in that instant, when he said Sam's name, that he was not speaking of himself
and Seth. No unseen force was attacking them. This time, the crisis was not here.
He was using the pack plural.
I'd burned through all my adrenaline. My body had nothing left. I sagged, and Edward caught
me before I could hit the rocks. He sprang to his feet, me in his arms.
"Seth!" Edward shouted.
Seth was crouched, still tensed in agony, looking as if he meant to launch himself into the
forest.
"No!" Edward ordered. "You gostraight home. Now. As fast as you can!"
Seth whimpered, shaking his great head from side to side.
"Seth. Trust me."
The huge wolf stared into Edward's agonized eyes for one long second, and then he
straightened up and flew into the trees, disappearing like a ghost.
Edward cradled me tightly against his chest, and then we were also hurtling through the
shadowy forest, taking a different path than the wolf.
"Edward." I fought to force the words through my constricted throat. "What happened,
Edward? What happened to Sam? Where are we going? What's happening?"
"We have to go back to the clearing," he told me in a low voice. "We knew there was a good
probability of this happening. Earlier this morning, Alice saw it and passed it through Sam to
Seth. The Volturi decided it was time to intercede."
The Volturi.
Too much. My mind refused to make sense of the words, pretended it couldn't understand.
The trees jolted past us. He was running downhill so fast that it felt as if we were
plummeting, falling out of control.
"Don't panic. They aren't coming for us. It's just the normal contingent of the guard that
usually cleans up this kind of mess. Nothing momentous, they're merely doing their job. Of
course, they seem to have timed their arrival very carefully. Which leads me to believe that
no one in Italy would mourn if these newbornshad reduced the size of the Cullen family."
The words came through his teeth, hard and bleak. "I'll know for sure what they were
thinking when they get to the clearing."
"Is that why we're going back?" I whispered. Could I handle this? Images of flowing black
robes crept into my unwilling mind, and I flinched away from them. I was close to a breaking
point.
"It's part of the reason. Mostly, it will be safer for us to present a united front at this point.
They have no reason to harass us, but . . . Jane's with them. If she thought we were alone
somewhere away from the others, it might tempt her. Like Victoria, Jane will probably guess
that I'm with you. Demetri, of course, is with her. He could find me, if Jane asked him to."
I didn't want to think that name. I didn't want to see that blindingly exquisite, childlike face
in my head. A strange sound came out of my throat.
"Shh, Bella, shh. It's all going to be fine. Alice can see that."
Alice could see? But . . . then where were the wolves? Where was the pack?
"The pack?"
"They had to leave quickly. The Volturi do not honor truces with werewolves."
I could hear my breathing get faster, but I couldn't control it. I started to gasp.
"I swear they will be fine," Edward promised me. "The Volturi won't recognize the scent -
they won't realize the wolves are here; this isn't a species they are familiar with. The pack
will be fine."
I couldn't process his explanation. My concentration was ripped to shreds by my fears.We're
going to be fine, he had said before . . . and Seth, howling in agony . . . Edward had avoided
my first question, distracted me with the Volturi. . . .
I was very close to the edge - just clinging by my fingertips.
The trees were a racing blur that flowed around him like jade waters.
"What happened?" I whispered again. "Before. When Seth was howling? When you were
hurt?"
Edward hesitated.
"Edward! Tell me!"
"It was all over," he whispered. I could barely hear him over the wind his speed created. "The
wolves didn't count their half . . . they thought they had them all. Of course, Alice couldn't
see. . . ."
"What happened?!"
"One of the newborns was hiding. . . . Leah found him - she was being stupid, cocky, trying
to prove something. She engaged him alone. . . ."
"Leah," I repeated, and I was too weak to feel shame for the relief that flooded through me.
"Is she going to be okay?"
"Leah wasn't hurt," Edward mumbled.
I stared at him for a long second.
Sam - help him -Edward had gasped. Him, not her.
"We're almost there," Edward said, and he stared at a fixed point in the sky.
Automatically, my eyes followed his. There was a dark purple cloud hanging low over the
trees. A cloud? But it was so abnormally sunny. . . . No, not a cloud - I recognized the thick
column of smoke, just like the one at our campsite.
"Edward," I said, my voice nearly inaudible. "Edward, someone got hurt."
I'd heard Seth's agony, seen the torture in Edward's face.
"Yes," he whispered.
"Who?" I asked, though, of course, I already knew the answer.
Of course I did. Of course.
The trees were slowing around us as we came to our destination.
It took him a long moment to answer me.
"Jacob," he said.
I was able to nod once.
"Of course," I whispered.
And then I slipped off the edge I was clinging to inside my head.
Everything went black.
I was first aware of the cool hands touching me. More than one pair of hands. Arms holding
me, a palm curved to fit my cheek, fingers stroking my forehead, and more fingers pressed
lightly into my wrist.
Then I was aware of the voices. They were just a humming at first, and then they grew in
volume and clarity like someone was turning up a radio.
"Carlisle - it's been five minutes." Edward's voice, anxious.
"She'll come around when she's ready, Edward." Carlisle's voice, always calm and sure.
"She's had too much to deal with today. Let her mind protect itself."
But my mind was not protected. It was trapped in the knowledge that had not left me, even
in unconsciousness - the pain that was part of the blackness.
I felt totally disconnected from my body. Like I was caged in some small corner of my head,
no longer at the controls. But I couldn't do anything about it. I couldn't think. The agony was
too strong for that. There was no escape from it.
Jacob.
Jacob.
No, no, no, no, no . . .
"Alice, how long do we have?" Edward demanded, his voice still tense; Carlisle's soothing
words had not helped.
From farther away, Alice's voice. It was brightly chipper. "Another five minutes. And Bella
will open her eyes in thirty-seven seconds. I wouldn't doubt that she can hear us now."
"Bella, honey?" This was Esme's soft, comforting voice. "Can you hear me? You're safe now,
dear."
Yes,I was safe. Did that really matter?
Then cool lips were at my ear, and Edward was speaking the words that allowed me to
escape from the torture that had me caged inside my own head.
"He's going to live, Bella. Jacob Black is healing as I speak. He'll be fine."
As the pain and dread eased, I found my way back to my body. My eyelids fluttered.
"Oh, Bella," Edward sighed in relief, and his lips touched mine.
"Edward," I whispered.
"Yes, I'm here."
I got my lids to open, and I stared into warm gold.
"Jacob is okay?" I asked.
"Yes," he promised.
I watched his eyes carefully for some sign that he was placating me, but they were perfectly
clear.
"I examined him myself," Carlisle said then; I turned my head to find his face, only a few feet
away. Carlisle's expression was serious and reassuring at the same time. It was impossible to
doubt him. "His life is not in any danger. He was healing at an incredible rate, though his
injuries were extensive enough that it will still be a few days before he is back to normal,
even if the rate of repair holds steady. As soon as we're done here, I will do what I can to
help him. Sam is trying to get him to phase back to his human form. That will make treating
him easier." Carlisle smiled slightly. "I've never been to veterinarian school."
"What happened to him?" I whispered. "How bad are his injuries?"
Carlisle's face was serious again. "Another wolf was in trouble -"
"Leah," I breathed.
"Yes. He knocked her out of the way, but he didn't have time to defend himself. The
newborn got his arms around him. Most of the bones on the right half of his body were
shattered."
I flinched.
"Sam and Paul got there in time. He was already improving when they took him back to La
Push."
"He'll be back to normal?" I asked.
"Yes, Bella. He won't have any permanent damage."
I took a deep breath.
"Three minutes," Alice said quietly.
I struggled, trying to get vertical. Edward realized what I was doing and helped me to my
feet.
I stared at the scene in front of me.
The Cullens stood in a loose semicircle around the bonfire. There were hardly any flames
visible, just the thick, purple-black smoke, hovering like a disease against the bright grass.
Jasper stood closest to the solid-seeming haze, in its shadow so that his skin did not glitter
brilliantly in the sun the way the others did. He had his back to me, his shoulders tense, his
arms slightly extended. There was something there, in his shadow. Something he crouched
over with wary intensity. . . .
I was too numb to feel more than a mild shock when I realized what it was.
There were eight vampires in the clearing.
The girl was curled into a small ball beside the flames, her arms wrapped around her legs.
She was very young. Younger than me - she looked maybe fifteen, dark-haired and slight.
Her eyes were focused on me, and the irises were a shocking, brilliant red. Much brighter
than Riley's, almost glowing. They wheeled wildly, out of control.
Edward saw my bewildered expression.
"She surrendered," he told me quietly. "That's one I've never seen before. Only Carlisle
would think of offering. Jasper doesn't approve."
I couldn't tear my gaze away from the scene beside the fire. Jasper was rubbing absently at
his left forearm.
"Is Jasper all right?" I whispered.
"He's fine. The venom stings."
"He was bitten?" I asked, horrified.
"He was trying to be everywhere at once. Trying to make sure Alice had nothing to do,
actually." Edward shook his head. "Alice doesn't need anyone's help."
Alice grimaced toward her true love. "Overprotective fool."
The young female suddenly threw her head back like an animal and wailed shrilly.
Jasper growled at her and she cringed back, but her fingers dug into the ground like claws
and her head whipped back and forth in anguish. Jasper took a step toward her, slipping
deeper into his crouch. Edward moved with overdone casualness, turning our bodies so that
he was between the girl and me. I peeked around his arm to watch the thrashing girl and
Jasper.
Carlisle was at Jasper's side in an instant. He put a restraining hand on his most recent son's
arm.
"Have you changed your mind, young one?" Carlisle asked, calm as ever. "We don't want to
destroy you, but we will if you can't control yourself."
"How can you stand it?" the girl groaned in a high, clear voice. "Iwant her." Her bright
crimson irises focused on Edward, through him, beyond him to me, and her nails ripped
through the hard soil again.
"You must stand it," Carlisle told her gravely. "You must exercise control. It is possible, and
it is the only thing that will save you now."
The girl clutched her dirt-encrusted hands around her head, yowling quietly.
"Shouldn't we move away from her?" I whispered, tugging on Edward's arm. The girl's lips
pulled back over her teeth when she heard my voice, her expression one of torment.
"We have to stay here," Edward murmured. "Theyare coming to the north end of the clearing
now."
My heart burst into a sprint as I scanned the clearing, but I couldn't see anything past the
thick pall of smoke.
After a second of fruitless searching, my gaze crept back to the young female vampire. She
was still watching me, her eyes half-mad.
I met the girl's stare for a long moment. Chin-length dark hair framed her face, which was
alabaster pale. It was hard to tell if her features were beautiful, twisted as they were by rage
and thirst. The feral red eyes were dominant - hard to look away from. She glared at me
viciously, shuddering and writhing every few seconds.
I stared at her, mesmerized, wondering if I were looking into a mirror of my future.
Then Carlisle and Jasper began to back toward the rest of us. Emmett, Rosalie, and Esme all
converged hastily around where Edward stood with Alice and me. A united front, as Edward
had said, with me at the heart, in the safest place.
I tore my attention away from the wild girl to search for the approaching monsters.
There was still nothing to see. I glanced at Edward, and his eyes were locked straight ahead.
I tried to follow his gaze, but there was only the smoke - dense, oily smoke twisting low to
the ground, rising lazily, undulating against the grass.
It billowed forward, darker in the middle.
"Hmm," a dead voice murmured from the mist. I recognized the apathy at once.
"Welcome, Jane." Edward's tone was coolly courteous.
The dark shapes came closer, separating themselves from the haze, solidifying. I knew it
would be Jane in the front - the darkest cloak, almost black, and the smallest figure by more
than two feet. I could just barely make out Jane's angelic features in the shade of the cowl.
The four gray-shrouded figures hulking behind her were also somewhat familiar. I was sure I
recognized the biggest one, and while I stared, trying to confirm my suspicion, Felix looked
up. He let his hood fall back slightly so that I could see him wink at me and smile. Edward
was very still at my side, tightly in control.
Jane's gaze moved slowly across the luminous faces of the Cullens and then touched on the
newborn girl beside the fire; the newborn had her head in her hands again.
"I don't understand." Jane's voice was toneless, but not quite as uninterested as before.
"She has surrendered," Edward explained, answering the confusion in her mind.
Jane's dark eyes flashed to his face. "Surrendered?"
Felix and another shadow exchanged a quick glance.
Edward shrugged. "Carlisle gave her the option."
"There are no options for those who break the rules," Jane said flatly.
Carlisle spoke then, his voice mild. "That's in your hands. As long as she was willing to halt
her attack on us, I saw no need to destroy her. She was never taught."
"That is irrelevant," Jane insisted.
"As you wish."
Jane stared at Carlisle in consternation. She shook her head infinitesimally, and then
composed her features.
"Aro hoped that we would get far enough west to see you, Carlisle. He sends his regards."
Carlisle nodded. "I would appreciate it if you would convey mine to him."
"Of course." Jane smiled. Her face was almost too lovely when it was animated. She looked
back toward the smoke. "It appears that you've done our work for us today . . . for the most
part." Her eyes flickered to the hostage. "Just out of professional curiosity, how many were
there? They left quite a wake of destruction in Seattle."
"Eighteen, including this one," Carlisle answered.
Jane's eyes widened, and she looked at the fire again, seeming to reassess the size of it. Felix
and the other shadow exchanged a longer glance.
"Eighteen?" she repeated, her voice sounding unsure for the first time.
"All brand-new," Carlisle said dismissively. "They were unskilled."
"All?" Her voice turned sharp. "Then who was their creator?"
"Her name was Victoria," Edward answered, no emotion in his voice.
"Was?" Jane asked.
Edward inclined his head toward the eastern forest. Jane's eyes snapped up and focused on
something far in the distance. The other pillar of smoke? I didn't look away to check.
Jane stared to the east for a long moment, and then examined the closer bonfire again.
"This Victoria - she was in addition to the eighteen here?"
"Yes. She had only one other with her. He was not as young as this one here, but no older
than a year."
"Twenty," Jane breathed. "Who dealt with the creator?"
"I did," Edward told her.
Jane's eyes narrowed, and she turned to the girl beside the fire.
"You there," she said, her dead voice harsher than before. "Your name."
The newborn shot a baleful glare at Jane, her lips pressed tightly together.
Jane smiled back angelically.
The newborn girl's answering scream was ear-piercing; her body arched stiffly into a
distorted, unnatural position. I looked away, fighting the urge to cover my ears. I gritted my
teeth, hoping to control my stomach. The screaming intensified. I tried to concentrate on
Edward's face, smooth and unemotional, but that made me remember when it had been
Edward under Jane's torturing gaze, and I felt sicker. I looked at Alice instead, and Esme
next to her. Their faces were as empty as his.
Finally, it was quiet.
"Your name," Jane said again, her voice inflectionless.
"Bree," the girl gasped.
Jane smiled, and the girl shrieked again. I held my breath until the sound of her agony
stopped.
"She'll tell you anything you want to know," Edward said through his teeth. "You don't have
to do that."
Jane looked up, sudden humor in her usually dead eyes. "Oh, I know," she said to Edward,
grinning at him before she turned back to the young vampire, Bree.
"Bree," Jane said, her voice cold again. "Is his story true? Were there twenty of you?"
The girl lay panting, the side of her face pressed against the earth. She spoke quickly.
"Nineteen or twenty, maybe more, I don't know!" She cringed, terrified that her ignorance
might bring on another round of torture. "Sara and the one whose name I don't know got in a
fight on the way. . . ."
"And this Victoria - did she create you?"
"I don't know," she said, flinching again. "Riley never said her name. I didn't see that night . .
. it was so dark, and it hurt. . . ." Bree shuddered. "He didn't want us to be able to think of
her. He said that our thoughts weren't safe. . . ."
Jane's eyes flickered to Edward, and then back to the girl.
Victoria had planned this well. If she hadn't followed Edward, there would have been no
way to know for certain that she was involved. . . .
"Tell me about Riley," Jane said. "Why did he bring you here?"
"Riley told us that we had to destroy the strange yellow-eyes here," Bree babbled quickly and
willingly. "He said it would be easy. He said that the city was theirs, and they were coming
to get us. He said once they were gone, all the blood would be ours. He gave us her scent."
Bree lifted one hand and stabbed a finger in my direction. "He said we would know that we
had the right coven, because she would be with them. He said whoever got to her first could
have her."
I heard Edward's jaw flex beside me.
"It looks like Riley was wrong about the easy part," Jane noted.
Bree nodded, seeming relieved that the conversation had taken this non-painful course. She
sat up carefully. "I don't know what happened. We split up, but the others never came. And
Riley left us, and he didn't come to help like he promised. And then it was so confusing, and
everybody was in pieces." She shuddered again. "I was afraid. I wanted to run away. That
one" - she looked at Carlisle - "said they wouldn't hurt me if I stopped fighting."
"Ah, but that wasn't his gift to offer, young one," Jane murmured, her voice oddly gentle
now. "Broken rules demand a consequence."
Bree stared at her, not comprehending.
Jane looked at Carlisle. "Are you sure you got all of them? The other half that split off?"
Carlisle's face was very smooth as he nodded. "We split up, too."
Jane half-smiled. "I can't deny that I'm impressed." The big shadows behind her murmured in
agreement. "I've never seen a coven escape this magnitude of offensive intact. Do you know
what was behind it? It seems like extreme behavior, considering the way you live here. And
why was the girl the key?" Her eyes rested unwilling on me for one short second.
I shivered.
"Victoria held a grudge against Bella," Edward told her, his voice impassive.
Jane laughed - the sound was golden, the bubbling laugh of a happy child. "This one seems
to bring out bizarrely strong reactions in our kind," she observed, smiling directly at me, her
face beatific.
Edward stiffened. I looked at him in time to see his face turning away, back to Jane.
"Would you please not do that?" he asked in a tight voice.
Jane laughed again lightly. "Just checking. No harm done, apparently."
I shivered, deeply grateful that the strange glitch in my system - which had protected me
from Jane the last time we'd met - was still in effect. Edward's arm tightened around me.
"Well, it appears that there's not much left for us to do. Odd," Jane said, apathy creeping
back into her voice. "We're not used to being rendered unnecessary. It's too bad we missed
the fight. It sounds like it would have been entertaining to watch."
"Yes," Edward answered her quickly, his voice sharp. "And you were so close. It's a shame
you didn't arrive just a half hour earlier. Perhaps then you could have fulfilled your purpose
here."
Jane met Edward's glare with unwavering eyes. "Yes. Quite a pity how things turned out,
isn't it?"
Edward nodded once to himself, his suspicions confirmed.
Jane turned to look at the newborn Bree again, her face completely bored. "Felix?" she
drawled.
"Wait," Edward interjected.
Jane raised one eyebrow, but Edward was staring at Carlisle while he spoke in an urgent
voice. "We could explain the rules to the young one. She doesn't seem unwilling to learn.
She didn't know what she was doing."
"Of course," Carlisle answered. "We would certainly be prepared to take responsibility for
Bree."
Jane's expression was torn between amusement and disbelief.
"We don't make exceptions," she said. "And we don't give second chances. It's bad for our
reputation. Which reminds me . . ." Suddenly, her eyes were on me again, and her cherubic
face dimpled. "Caius will beso interested to hear that you're still human, Bella. Perhaps he'll
decide to visit."
"The date is set," Alice told Jane, speaking for the first time. "Perhaps we'll come to visit you
in a few months."
Jane's smile faded, and she shrugged indifferently, never looking at Alice. She turned to face
Carlisle. "It was nice to meet you, Carlisle - I'd thought Aro was exaggerating. Well, until we
meet again . . ."
Carlisle nodded, his expression pained.
"Take care of that, Felix," Jane said, nodding toward Bree, her voice dripping boredom. "I
want to go home."
"Don't watch," Edward whispered in my ear.
I was only too eager to follow his instruction. I'd seen more than enough for one day - more
than enough for one lifetime. I squeezed my eyes tightly together and turned my face into
Edward's chest.
But I could still hear.
There was a deep, rumbling growl, and then a high-pitched keen that was horribly familiar.
That sound cut off quickly, and then the only sound was a sickening crunching and snapping.
Edward's hand rubbed anxiously against my shoulders.
"Come," Jane said, and I looked up in time to see the backs of the tall gray cloaks drifting
away toward the curling smoke. The incense smell was strong again - fresh.
The gray cloaks disappeared into the thick mist.

Categories: Eclipse

Eclipse - Chapter 26

Ethics

THE COUNTER IN ALICE'S BATHROOM WAS COVERED WITHa thousand different
products, all claiming to beautify a person's surface. Since everyone in this house was both
perfect and impermeable, I could only assume that she'd bought most of these things with me
in mind. I read the labels numbly, struck by the waste.

I was careful never to look in the long mirror.

Alice combed through my hair with a slow, rhythmic motion.

"That's enough, Alice," I said tonelessly. "I want to go back to La Push."

How many hours had I waited for Charlie tofinally leave Billy's house so that I could see
Jacob? Each minute, not knowing if Jacob was still breathing or not, had seemed like ten
lifetimes. And then, when at last I'd been allowed to go, to see for myself that Jacob was
alive, the time had gone so quickly. I felt like I'd barely caught my breath before Alice was
calling Edward, insisting that I keep up this ridiculous sleepover façade. It seemed so
insignificant. . . .

"Jacob's still unconscious," Alice answered. "Carlisle or Edward will call when he's awake.
Anyway, you need to go see Charlie. He was there at Billy's house, he saw that Carlisle and
Edward are back in from their trip, and he's bound to be suspicious when you get home."
I already had my story memorized and corroborated. "I don't care. I want to be there when
Jacob wakes up."

"You need to think of Charlie now. You've had a long day - sorry, I know that doesn't begin
to cover it - but that doesn't mean that you can shirk your responsibilities." Her voice was
serious, almost chiding. "It's more important now than ever that Charlie stays safely in the
dark. Play your role first, Bella, and then you can do what you want second. Part of being a
Cullen is being meticulously responsible."

Of course she was right. And if not for this same reason - a reason that was more powerful
than all my fear and pain and guilt - Carlisle would never have been able to talk me into
leaving Jacob's side, unconscious or not.
"Go home," Alice ordered. "Talk to Charlie. Flesh out your alibi. Keep him safe."
I stood, and the blood flowed down to my feet, stinging like the pricks of a thousand needles.
I'd been sitting still for a long time.
"That dress is adorable on you," Alice cooed.
"Huh? Oh. Er - thanks again for the clothes," I mumbled out of courtesy rather than real
gratitude.
"You need the evidence," Alice said, her eyes innocent and wide. "What's a shopping trip
without a new outfit? It's very flattering, if I do say so myself."
I blinked, unable to remember what she'd dressed me in. I couldn't keep my thoughts from
skittering away every few seconds, insects running from the light. . . .
"Jacob is fine, Bella," Alice said, easily interpreting my preoccupation. "There's no hurry. If
you realized how much extra morphine Carlisle had to give him - what with his temperature
burning it off so quickly - you would know that he's going to be out for a while."
At least he wasn't in any pain. Not yet.
"Is there anything you want to talk about before you leave?" Alice asked sympathetically.
"You must be more than a little traumatized."
I knew what she was curious about. But I had other questions.
"Will I be like that?" I asked her, my voice subdued. "Like that girl Bree in the meadow?"
There were many things I needed to think of, but I couldn't seem to get her out of my head,
the newborn whose other life was now - abruptly - over. Her face, twisted with desire for my
blood, lingered behind my eyelids.
Alice stroked my arm. "Everyone is different. But something like that, yes."
I was very still, trying to imagine.
"It passes," she promised.
"How soon?"
She shrugged. "A few years, maybe less. It might be different for you. I've never seen anyone
go through this who's chosen it beforehand. It should be interesting to see how that affects
you."
"Interesting," I repeated.
"We'll keep you out of trouble."
"I know that. I trust you." My voice was monotone, dead.
Alice's forehead puckered. "If you're worried about Carlisle and Edward, I'm sure they'll be
fine. I believe Sam is beginning to trust us . . . well, to trust Carlisle, at least. It's a good
thing, too. I imagine the atmosphere got a little tense when Carlisle had to rebreak the
fractures -"
"Please, Alice."
"Sorry."
I took a deep breath to steady myself. Jacob had begun healing too quickly, and some of his
bones had set wrong. He'd been out cold for the process, but it was still hard to think about.
"Alice, can I ask you a question? About the future?"
She was suddenly wary. "You know I don't see everything."
"It's not that, exactly. But youdo see my future, sometimes. Why is that, do you think, when
nothing else works on me? Not what Jane can do, or Edward or Aro . . ." My sentence trailed
off with my interest level. My curiosity on this point was fleeting, heavily overshadowed by
more pressing emotions.
Alice, however, found the question very interesting. "Jasper, too, Bella - his talent works on
your body just as well as it does on anyone else's. That's the difference, do you see it? Jasper's
abilities affect the body physically. He really does calm your system down, or excite it. It's
not an illusion. And I see visions of outcomes, not the reasons and thoughts behind the
decisions that create them. It's outside the mind, not an illusion, either; reality, or at least one
version of it. But Jane and Edward and Aro and Demetri - they workinside the mind. Jane
only creates an illusion of pain. She doesn't really hurt your body, you only think you feel it.
You see, Bella? You are safe inside your mind. No one can reach you there. It's no wonder
that Aro was so curious about your future abilities."
She watched my face to see if I was following her logic. In truth, her words had all started to
run together, the syllables and sounds losing their meaning. I couldn't concentrate on them.
Still, I nodded. Trying to look like I got it.
She wasn't fooled. She stroked my cheek and murmured, "He's going to be okay, Bella. I
don't need a vision to know that. Are you ready to go?"
"One more thing. Can I ask you another question about the future? I don't want specifics,
just an overview."
"I'll do my best," she said, doubtful again.
"Can you still see me becoming a vampire?"
"Oh, that's easy. Sure, I do."
I nodded slowly.
She examined my face, her eyes unfathomable. "Don't you know your own mind, Bella?"
"I do. I just wanted to be sure."
"I'm only as sure as you are, Bella. You know that. If you were to change your mind, what I
see would change . . . or disappear, in your case."
I sighed. "That isn't going to happen, though."
She put her arms around me. "I'm sorry. I can't reallyempathize. My first memory is of seeing
Jasper's face in my future; I always knew that he was where my life was headed. But I
cansympathize. I'm so sorry you have to choose between two good things."
I shook off her arms. "Don't feel sorry for me." There were people who deserved sympathy. I
wasn't one of them. And there wasn't any choice to make - there was just breaking a good
heart to attend to now. "I'll go deal with Charlie."
I drove my truck home, where Charlie was waiting just as suspiciously as Alice had expected.
"Hey, Bella. How was your shopping trip?" he greeted me when I walked into the kitchen.
He had his arms folded over his chest, his eyes on my face.
"Long," I said dully. "We just got back."
Charlie assessed my mood. "I guess you already heard about Jake, then?"
"Yes. The rest of the Cullens beat us home. Esme told us where Carlisle and Edward were."
"Are you okay?"
"Worried about Jake. As soon as I make dinner, I'm going down to La Push."
"I told you those motorcycles were dangerous. I hope this makes you realize that I wasn't
kidding around."
I nodded as I started pulling things out of the fridge. Charlie settled himself in at the table.
He seemed to be in a more talkative mood than usual.
"I don't think you need to worry about Jake too much. Anyone who can cuss with that kind
of energy is going to recover."
"Jake was awake when you saw him?" I asked, spinning to look at him.
"Oh, yeah, he was awake. You should have heard him - actually, it's better you didn't. I don't
think there was anyone in La Push whocouldn't hear him. I don't know where he picked up
that vocabulary, but I hope he hasn't been using that kind of language around you."
"He had a pretty good excuse today. How did he look?"
"Messed up. His friends carried him in. Good thing they're big boys, 'cause that kid's an
armful. Carlisle said his right leg is broken, and his right arm. Pretty much the whole right
side of his body got crushed when he wrecked that damn bike." Charlie shook his head. "If I
ever hear of you riding again, Bella -"
"No problem there, Dad. You won't. Do you really think Jake's okay?"
"Sure, Bella, don't worry. He was himself enough to tease me."
"Tease you?" I echoed in shock.
"Yeah - in between insulting somebody's mother and taking the Lord's name in vain, he said,
'Bet you're glad she loves Cullen instead of me today, huh, Charlie?'"
I turned back to the fridge so that he couldn't see my face.
"And I couldn't argue. Edward's more mature than Jacob when it comes to your safety, I'll
give him that much."
"Jacob's plenty mature," I muttered defensively. "I'm sure this wasn't his fault."
"Weird day today," Charlie mused after a minute. "You know, I don't put much stock in that
superstitious crap, but it was odd. . . . It was like Billy knew something bad was going to
happen to Jake. He was nervous as a turkey on Thanksgiving all morning. I don't think he
heard anything I said to him.
"And then, weirder than that - remember back in February and March when we had all that
trouble with the wolves?"
I bent down to get a frying pan out of the cupboard, and hid there an extra second or two.
"Yeah," I mumbled.
"I hope we're not going to have a problem with that again. This morning, we were out in the
boat, and Billy wasn't paying any attention to me or the fish, when all of a sudden, you could
hear wolves yowling in the woods. More than one, and, boy, was it loud. Sounded like they
were right there in the village. Weirdest part was, Billy turned the boat around and headed
straight back to the harbor like they were calling to him personally. Didn't even hear me ask
what he was doing.
"The noise stopped before we got the boat docked. But all of a sudden Billy was in the
biggest hurry not to miss the game, though we had hours still. He was mumbling some
nonsense about an earlier showing . . . of a live game? I tell you, Bella, it was odd.
"Well, he found some game he said he wanted to watch, but then he just ignored it. He was
on the phone the whole time, calling Sue, and Emily, and your friend Quil's grandpa.
Couldn't quite make out what he was looking for - he just chatted real casual with them.
"Then the howling started again right outside the house. I've never heard anything like it - I
had goose bumps on my arms. I asked Billy - had to shout over the noise - if he'd been setting
traps in his yard. It sounded like the animal was in serious pain."
I winced, but Charlie was so caught up in his story that he didn't notice.
"'Course I forgot all about that till just this minute, 'cause that's when Jake made it home.
One minute it was that wolf yowling, and then you couldn't hear it anymore - Jake's cussing
drowned it right out. Got a set of lungs on him, that boy does."
Charlie paused for a minute, his face thoughtful. "Funny that some good should come out of
this mess. I didn't think they were ever going to get over that fool prejudice they have against
the Cullens down there. But somebody called Carlisle, and Billy was real grateful when he
showed up. I thought we should get Jake up to the hospital, but Billy wanted to keep him
home, and Carlisle agreed. I guess Carlisle knows what's best. Generous of him to sign up for
such a long stretch of house calls."
"And . . ." he paused, as if unwilling to say something. He sighed, and then continued. "And
Edward was really . . . nice. He seemed as worried about Jacob as you are - like that was his
brother lying there. The look in his eyes . . ." Charlie shook his head. "He's a decent guy,
Bella. I'll try to remember that. No promises, though." He grinned at me.
"I won't hold you to it," I mumbled.
Charlie stretched his legs and groaned. "It's nice to be home. You wouldn't believe how
crowded Billy's little place gets. Seven of Jake's friends all squished themselves into that
little front room - I could hardly breathe. Have you ever noticed how big those Quileute kids
all are?"
"Yeah, I have."
Charlie stared at me, his eyes abruptly more focused. "Really, Bella, Carlisle said Jake will be
up and around in no time. Said it looked a lot worse than it was. He's going to be fine."
I just nodded.
Jacob had looked so . . . strangely fragile when I'd hurried down to see him as soon as Charlie
had left. He'd had braces everywhere - Carlisle said there was no point in plaster, as fast as he
was healing. His face had been pale and drawn, deeply unconscious though he was at the
time. Breakable. Huge as he was, he'd looked very breakable. Maybe that had just been my
imagination, coupled with the knowledge that I was going to have to break him.
If only I could be struck by lightning and be split in two. Preferably painfully. For the first
time, giving up being human felt like a true sacrifice. Like it might be too much to lose.
I put Charlie's dinner on the table next to his elbow and headed for the door.
"Er, Bella? Could you wait just a second?"
"Did I forget something?" I asked, eyeing his plate.
"No, no. I just . . . want to ask a favor." Charlie frowned and looked at the floor. "Have a
seat - this won't take long."
I sat across from him, a little confused. I tried to focus. "What do you need, Dad?"
"Here's the gist of it, Bella." Charlie flushed. "Maybe I'm just feeling . . . superstitious after
hanging out with Billy while he was being so strange all day. But I have this . . . hunch. I feel
like . . . I'm going to lose you soon."
"Don't be silly, Dad," I mumbled guiltily. "You want me to go to school, don't you?"
"Just promise me one thing."
I was hesitant, ready to rescind. "Okay . . ."
"Will you tell me before you do anything major? Before you run off with him or something?"
"Dad . . . ," I moaned.
"I'm serious. I won't kick up a fuss. Just give me some advance notice. Give me a chance to
hug you goodbye."
Cringing mentally, I held up my hand. "This is silly. But, if it makes you happy, . . . I
promise."
"Thanks, Bella," he said. "I love you, kid."
"I love you, too, Dad." I touched his shoulder, and then shoved away from the table. "If you
need anything, I'll be at Billy's."
I didn't look back as I ran out. This was just perfect, just what I needed right now. I
grumbled to myself all the way to La Push.
Carlisle's black Mercedes was not in front of Billy's house. That was both good and bad.
Obviously, I needed to talk to Jacob alone. Yet I still wished I could somehow hold Edward's
hand, like I had before, when Jacob was unconscious. Impossible. But I missed Edward - it
had seemed like a very long afternoon alone with Alice. I supposed that made my answer
quite obvious. I already knew that I couldn't live without Edward. That fact wasn't going to
make this any less painful.
I tapped quietly on the front door.
"Come in, Bella," Billy said. The roar of my truck was easy to recognize.
I let myself in.
"Hey, Billy. Is he awake?" I asked.
"He woke up about a half hour ago, just before the doctor left. Go on in. I think he's been
waiting for you."
I flinched, and then took a deep breath. "Thanks."
I hesitated at the door to Jacob's room, not sure whether to knock. I decided to peek first,
hoping - coward that I was - that maybe he'd gone back to sleep. I felt like I could use just a
few more minutes.
I opened the door a crack and leaned hesitantly in.
Jacob was waiting for me, his face calm and smooth. The haggard, gaunt look was gone, but
only a careful blankness took its place. There was no animation in his dark eyes.
It was hard to look at his face, knowing that I loved him. It made more of a difference than I
would have thought. I wondered if it had always been this hard for him, all this time.
Thankfully, someone had covered him with a quilt. It was a relief not to have to see the
extent of the damage.
I stepped in and shut the door quietly behind me.
"Hi, Jake," I murmured.
He didn't answer at first. He looked at my face for a long moment. Then, with some effort,
he rearranged his expression into a slightly mocking smile.
"Yeah, I sort of thought it might be like that." He sighed. "Today has definitely taken a turn
for the worse. First I pick the wrong place, miss the best fight, and Seth gets all the glory.
Then Leah has to be an idiot trying to prove she's as tough as the rest of us and I have to be
the idiot who saves her. And now this." He waved his left hand toward me where I hesitated
by the door.
"How are you feeling?" I mumbled. What a stupid question.
"A little stoned. Dr. Fang isn't sure how much pain medication I need, so he's going with trial
and error. Think he overdid it."
"But you're not in pain."
"No. At least, I can't feel my injuries," he said, smiling mockingly again.
I bit my lip. I was never going to get through this. Why didn't anyone ever try to kill me
when Iwanted to die?
The wry humor left his face, and his eyes warmed up. His forehead creased, like he was
worried.
"How about you?" he asked, sounding really concerned. "Are you okay?"
"Me?" I stared at him. Maybe hehad taken too many drugs."Why?"
"Well, I mean, I was pretty sure that he wouldn't actuallyhurt you, but I wasn't sure how bad
it was going to be. I've been going a little crazy with worrying about you ever since I woke
up. I didn't know if you were going to be allowed to visit or anything. The suspense was
terrible. How did it go? Was he mean to you? I'm sorry if it was bad. I didn't mean for you to
have to go through that alone. I was thinking I'd be there. . . ."
It took me a minute to even understand. He babbled on, looking more and more awkward,
until I got what he was saying. Then I hurried to reassure him.
"No, no, Jake! I'm fine. Too fine, really. Of course he wasn't mean. I wish!"
His eyes widened in what looked like horror."What?"
"He wasn't even mad at me - he wasn't even mad atyou ! He's so unselfish it makes me feel
even worse. I wish he would have yelled at me or something. It's not like I don't deserve . . .
well, much worse that getting yelled at. But he doesn't care. He just wants me to behappy. "
"He wasn't mad?" Jacob asked, incredulous.
"No. He was . . . much too kind."
Jacob stared for another minute, and then he suddenly frowned. "Well,damn !" he growled.
"What's wrong, Jake? Does it hurt?" My hands fluttered uselessly as I looked around for his
medication.
"No," he grumbled in a disgusted tone. "I can't believe this! He didn't give you an ultimatum
or anything?"
"Not even close - what's wrong with you?"
He scowled and shook his head. "I was sort of counting on his reaction. Damn it all. He's
better than I thought."
The way he said it, though angrier, reminded me of Edward's tribute to Jacob's lack of ethics
in the tent this morning. Which meant that Jake was still hoping, still fighting. I winced as
that stabbed deep.
"He's not playing any game, Jake," I said quietly.
"You bet he is. He's playing every bit as hard as I am, only he knows what he's doing and I
don't. Don't blame me because he's a better manipulator than I am - I haven't been around
long enough to learn all his tricks."
"He isn't manipulating me!"
"Yes, he is! When are you going to wake up and realize that he's not a perfect as you think
he is?"
"At least he didn't threaten to kill himself to make me kiss him," I snapped. As soon as the
words were out, I flushed with chagrin. "Wait. Pretend that didn't slip out. I swore to myself
that I wasn't going to say anything about that."
He took a deep breath. When he spoke, he was calmer. "Why not?"
"Because I didn't come here to blame you for anything."
"It's true, though," he said evenly. "I did do that."
"I don't care, Jake. I'm not mad."
He smiled. "I don't care, either. I knew you'd forgive me, and I'm glad I did it. I'd do it again.
At least I have that much. At least I made you see that youdo love me. That's worth
something."
"Is it? Is it really better than if I was still in the dark?"
"Don't you think you ought to know how you feel - just so that it doesn't take you by surprise
someday when it's too late and you're a married vampire?"
I shook my head. "No - I didn't mean better for me. I meant better foryou. Does it make
things better or worse for you, having me know that I'm in love with you? When it doesn't
make a difference either way. Would it have been better, easier for you, if I never clued in?"
He took my question as seriously as I'd meant it, thinking carefully before he answered. "Yes,
it's better to have you know," he finally decided. "If you hadn't figured it out . . . I'd have
always wondered if your decision would have been different if you had. Now I know. I did
everything I could." He dragged in an unsteady breath, and closed his eyes.
This time I did not - could not - resist the urge to comfort him. I crossed the small room and
kneeled by his head, afraid to sit on the bed in case I jostled it and hurt him, and leaned in to
touch my forehead to his cheek.
Jacob sighed, and put his hand on my hair, holding me there.
"I'm so sorry, Jake."
"I always knew this was a long shot. It's not your fault, Bella."
"Not you, too," I moaned. "Please."
He pulled away to look at me. "What?"
"Itis my fault. And I'm so sick of being told it's not."
He grinned. It didn't touch his eyes. "You want me to haul you over the coals?"
"Actually . . . I think I do."
He pursed his lips as he measured how much I meant it. A smile flashed across his face
briefly, and then he twisted his expression into a fierce scowl.
"Kissing me back like that was inexcusable." He spit the words at me. "If you knew you were
just going to take it back, maybe you shouldn't have been quite so convincing about it."
I winced and nodded. "I'm so sorry."
"Sorry doesn't make anything better, Bella. What were you thinking?"
"I wasn't," I whispered.
"You should have told me to go die. That's what you want."
"No, Jacob," I whimpered, fighting against the budding tears. "No! Never."
"You're not crying?" he demanded, his voice suddenly back to its normal tone. He twitched
impatiently on the bed.
"Yeah," I muttered, laughing weakly at myself through the tears that were suddenly sobs.
He shifted his weight, throwing his good leg off the bed as if he were going to try to stand.
"What are you doing?" I demanded through the tears. "Lie down, you idiot, you'll hurt
yourself!" I jumped to my feet and pushed his good shoulder down with two hands.
He surrendered, leaning back with a gasp of pain, but he grabbed me around my waist and
pulled me down on the bed, against his good side. I curled up there, trying to stifle the silly
sobs against his hot skin.
"I can't believe you're crying," he mumbled. "You know I just said those things because you
wanted me to. I didn't mean them." His hand rubbed against my shoulders.
"I know." I took a deep, ragged breath, trying to control myself. How did I end up being the
one crying while he did the comforting? "It's all still true, though. Thanks for saying it out
loud."
"Do I get points for making you cry?"
"Sure, Jake." I tried to smile. "As many as you want."
"Don't worry, Bella, honey. It's all going to work out."
"I don't see how," I muttered.
He patted the top of my head. "I'm going to give in and be good."
"More games?" I wondered, tilting my chin so that I could see his face.
"Maybe." He laughed with a bit of effort, and then winced. "But I'm going to try."
I frowned.
"Don't be so pessimistic," he complained. "Give me a little credit."
"What do you mean by 'be good'?"
"I'll be your friend, Bella," he said quietly. "I won't ask for more than that."
"I think it's too late for that, Jake. How can we be friends, when we love each other like
this?"
He looked at the ceiling, his stare intent, as if he were reading something that was written
there. "Maybe . . . it will have to be a long-distance friendship."
I clenched my teeth together, glad he wasn't looking at my face, fighting against the sobs
that threatened to overtake me again. I needed to be strong, and I had no idea how. . . .
"You know that story in the Bible?" Jacob asked suddenly, still reading the blank ceiling.
"The one with the king and the two women fighting over the baby?"
"Sure. King Solomon."
"That's right. King Solomon," he repeated. "And he said, cut the kid in half . . . but it was
only a test. Just to see who would give up their share to protect it."
"Yeah, I remember."
He looked back at my face. "I'm not going to cut you in half anymore, Bella."
I understood what he was saying. He was telling me that he loved me the most, that his
surrender proved it. I wanted to defend Edward, to tell Jacob how Edward would do the
same thing if I wanted, if I wouldlet him. I was the one who wouldn't renounce my claim
there. But there was no point in starting an argument that would only hurt him more.
I closed my eyes, willing myself to control the pain. I couldn't impose that on him.
We were quiet for a moment. He seemed to be waiting for me to say something; I was trying
to think of something to say.
"Can I tell you what the worst part is?" he asked hesitantly when I said nothing. "Do you
mind? Iam going to be good."
"Will it help?" I whispered.
"It might. It couldn't hurt."
"What's the worst part, then?"
"The worse part is knowing what would have been."
"Whatmight have been." I sighed.
"No." Jacob shook his head. "I'm exactly right for you, Bella. It would have been effortless
for us - comfortable, easy as breathing. I was the natural path your life would have taken. . .
." He stared into space for a moment, and I waited. "If the world was the way it was
supposed to be, if there were no monsters and no magic . . ."
I could see what he saw, and I knew that he was right. If the world was the sane place it was
supposed to be, Jacob and I would have been together. And we would have been happy. He
was my soul mate in that world - would have been my soul mate still if his claim had not
been overshadowed by something stronger, something so strong that it could not exist in a
rational world.
Was it out there for Jacob, too? Something that would trump a soul mate? I had to believe
that it was.
Two futures, two soul mates . . . too much for any one person. And so unfair that I wouldn't
be the only one to pay for it. Jacob's pain seemed too high a price. Cringing at the thought of
that price, I wondered if I would have wavered, if I hadn't lost Edward once. If I didn't know
what it was like to live without him. I wasn't sure. That knowledge was so deep a part of me,
I couldn't imagine how I would feel without it.
"He's like a drug for you, Bella." His voice was still gentle, not at all critical. "I see that you
can't live without him now. It's too late. But I would have been healthier for you. Not a drug;
I would have been the air, the sun."
The corner of my mouth turned up in a wistful half-smile. "I used to think of you that way,
you know. Like the sun. My personal sun. You balanced out the clouds nicely for me."
He sighed. "The clouds I can handle. But I can't fight with an eclipse."
I touched his face, laying my hand against his cheek. He exhaled at my touch and closed his
eyes. It was very quiet. For a minute I could hear the beating of his heart, slow and even.
"Tell me the worst part for you," he whispered.
"I think that might be a bad idea."
"Please."
"I think it will hurt."
"Please."
How could I deny him anything at this point?
"The worst part . . ." I hesitated, and then let words spill out in a flood of truth. "The worst
part is that I saw the whole thing - our whole life. And I want it bad, Jake, I want it all. I
want to stay right here and never move. I want to love you and make you happy. And I can't,
and it's killing me. It's like Sam and Emily, Jake - I never had a choice. I always knew
nothing would change. Maybe that's why I was fighting against you so hard."
He seemed to be concentrating on breathing evenly.
"I knew I shouldn't have told you that."
He shook his head slowly. "No. I'm glad you did. Thank you." He kissed the top of my head,
and then he sighed. "I'll be good now."
I looked up, and he was smiling.
"So you're going to get married, huh?"
"We don't have to talk about that."
"I'd like to know some of the details. I don't know when I'll talk to you again."
I had to wait for a minute before I could speak. When I was pretty sure that my voice
wouldn't break, I answered his question.
"It's not really my idea . . . but, yes. It means a lot to him. I figure, why not?"
Jake nodded. "That's true. It's not such a big thing - in comparison."
His voice was very calm, very practical. I stared at him, curious about how he was managing,
and that ruined it. He met my eyes for a second, and then twisted his head away. I waited to
speak until his breathing was under control.
"Yes. In comparison," I agreed.
"How long do you have left?"
"That depends on how long it takes Alice to pull a wedding together." I suppressed a groan,
imagining what Alice would do.
"Before or after?" he asked quietly.
I knew what he meant. "After."
He nodded. This was a relief to him. I wondered how many sleepless nights the thought of
my graduation had given him.
"Are you scared?" he whispered.
"Yes," I whispered back.
"What are you afraid of?" I could barely hear his voice now. He stared down at my hands.
"Lots of things." I worked to make my voice lighter, but I stayed honest. "I've never been
much of a masochist, so I'm not looking forward to the pain. And I wish there was some way
to keephim away - I don't want him to suffer with me, but I don't think there's any way
around it. There's dealing with Charlie, too, and Renée. . . . And then afterward, I hope I'll be
able to control myselfsoon. Maybe I'll be such a menace that the pack will have to take me
out."
He looked up with a disapproving expression. "I'd hamstring any one of my brothers who
tried."
"Thanks."
He smiled halfheartedly. Then he frowned. "But isn't it more dangerous than that? In all of
the stories, they say it's too hard . . . they lose control . . . people die. . . ." He gulped.
"No, I'm not afraid of that. Silly Jacob - don't you know better than to believe vampire
stories?"
He obviously didn't appreciate my attempt at humor.
"Well, anyway, lots to worry about. But worth it, in the end."
He nodded unwillingly, and I knew that he in no way agreed with me.
I stretched my neck up to whisper in his ear, laying my cheek against his warm skin. "You
know I love you."
"I know," he breathed, his arm tightening automatically around my waist. "You know how
much I wish it was enough."
"Yes."
"I'll always be waiting in the wings, Bella," he promised, lightening his tone and loosening
his arm. I pulled away with a dull, dragging sense of loss, feeling the tearing separation as I
left a part of me behind, there on the bed next to him. "You'll always have that spare option
if you want it."
I made an effort to smile. "Until my heart stops beating."
He grinned back. "You know, I think maybe I'd still take you - maybe. I guess that depends
on how much you stink."
"Should I come back to see you? Or would you rather I didn't?"
"I'll think it through and get back to you," he said. "I might need the company to keep from
going crazy. The vampire surgeon extraordinaire says I can't phase until he gives the okay - it
might mess up the way the bones are set." Jacob made a face.
"Be good and do what Carlisle tells you to do. You'll get well faster."
"Sure, sure."
"I wonder when it will happen," I said. "When the right girl is going to catch your eye."
"Don't get your hopes up, Bella." Jacob's voice was abruptly sour. "Though I'm sure it would
be a relief for you."
"Maybe, maybe not. I probably won't think she's good enough for you. I wonder how jealous
I'll be."
"That part might be kind of fun," he admitted.
"Let me know if you want me to come back, and I'll be here," I promised.
With a sigh, he turned his cheek toward me.
I leaned in and kissed his face softly. "Love you, Jacob."
He laughed lightly. "Love you more."
He watched me walk out of his room with an unfathomable expression in his black eyes.

Categories: Eclipse